→ p r o b l e m s .

Here i am typing away while crying my eyes out because i am thinking of how to face my mother tomorrow . I failed my math prelim , i got last in the class , my teacher humiliated me . She told me , " dont come begging me next year to teach you when you get your U grade & come back here , dont come back to tao nan to repeat , I dont want to see your face here next year , you can go to whichever school but not this one . " i felt terrible , & yes I cried. I am finally ashamed. after all these years of being poor in math , I think this one is truly a wake-up call . I really dont even know how to face my mother tomorrow , Im afraid , Scared & Frightened. I have no courage at all that I have to resort to sms-ing her my result tomorrow.  I dont want to hurt her any further but I really dont have a choice. If I would , I wouldnt stay with her in the first place . All this is a joke to me now , Single Child , Parents Divorced , Parents are older than average parents that kids my age have . No siblings , alone & afraid . I dont know how to live anymore.  I regretted getting into kpop at such an early age . Virtually i seem like a totally different person , but I still look the same . I scored exceptionally well for my Chinese & English , Improved for both , but my math ? dont even ask me . I havent even gotten back my science . I really really dont know how to tell my mother about my math result , she said she would skin me alive if I failed . I FAILED I REALLY FAILED & I EVEN GOTTEN MYSELF A 26 . fuck this , If I had an option ,  I'd live in an orphanage . Ashamed to face my parents let alone myself . I look into the mirror & say who is this ? I changed alot . My worry-free life is completely gone . I really miss having two parents living with me . My mother just told me straight to the face on a fine sunday afternoon in 2006 , " I'm going to divorce your father okay , I cannot stand his bloody face any more ." I stoned for awhile after that , & then i realised ever since I was born , My parents really didnt communicate with each other . Not to reveal this but I secretly read their divorce papers & they stated that after I was born , They stopped sleeping in the same room & they stopped being intimate & stuff & All these years , I really thought I was the bane of their marriage & somehow I really am . No one can relate to this , Especially not my school mates & that's really the problem . I have no one to pour out my feelings to . If i told my relatives , they'd talk behind my back . Ever since I started going to my grandmas place for dinner & such , My aunty kept talking behind my back about me . She said I wouldnt even complete Secondary School , She Said I would be a Dropout , okay . So this is really how people feel about me . Am i that bad ? I ask myself . I may not be a straight-A student & I may not have the right attitude but I know right from wrong & I always wonder why dont people ever learn . & my father left early . He was supposed to leave in August 06 but instead he left the house in July 06 . i suffered alot then & I went to the worst class the following year . Ever Since then , My studies dropped tremendously. I cried myself to sleep for 5 Years Already . 5 Long Years . Whatever it is , My mother would still beat me tomorrow after seeing my results & I'll just let her cane me , whatever life is such a pain in the ass.